Doing research both on my cancer and, a bit later, on the chemotherapy that they want me to have. Its a bit of a bumpy road, to be honest. The more research I do into my cancer, the more confused and angry I get because nothing fits with what I have been told. And because, as I previously wrote, this could easily have been prevented had someone just given a shit.
Its the chemotherapy that has me wanting off this planet. Seriously. That’s how frightened I am. When I had chemo for the breast cancer, I got sick within four hours and was rushed to hospital the following day. Within a week I had no immune system, laryngitis and pneumonia, as well as a lung infection. Within two I had no hair and a partially collapsed lung. I quit right then and there.
Can you see why I am so scared? After the chemo I couldn‘t eat for three days. I didn‘t sleep for a week because of the meds they had me on. They took me off of them so I could rest.
I need to decide if I want to go down this route again. Yes it is a different cocktail this time round. Yes it is infused slowly. But I have had so many issues with pain since my surgery and the flashbacks to the other chemo are so strong that I honestly don’t know if I can make this decision. I honestly don’t want to have that responsibility. That’s a level of adulting that I wish to avoid. If someone else could make the decision for me, it would take away some of the stress.
I am crying as I write this because I am absolutely paralyzed with fear. I am still trying to wrap my head around losing my reproductive organs and my dream of becoming a mama by natural means. I am still trying to wrap my head around the fact that I have another cancer. I want to heal fully from this surgery before I even consider the next step but they want me to take it already. What aren‘t they telling me? Am I putting myself in danger by putting it off for a bit until I get a better grasp on the long term effects of the hysterectomy? Until I heal fully? I guess that is a question for the surgeon.
Until then, please pray for me. I dunno if I can do this on my own.